


To Protect -Root A&B-

by OniZenmaru



Series: Tales of a Ghoulish Life [7]
Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Blood and Gore, Crossover, M/M, Spoilers, cannibalism mention, the usual Tokyo Ghoul warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 18:02:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6386845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OniZenmaru/pseuds/OniZenmaru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After coming to terms with what he is, Ludger makes up his mind about the life he wants to live…</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Protect -Root A&B-

**Author's Note:**

> The last one for these two

Ludger regrets many things.

He regrets burdening his brother because he refused to understand what he truly was, because accepting it meant knowing that he was alone. For most of his life, Ludger believed he was walking a thin line because he had been born a half ghoul, but the truth of the matter was he had always been living as one or the other. The night he had killed those two Doves, he had seen the terror in his brother’s eyes, terror that was so clearly pointed at him.

Because of this, he subconsciously suppressed a part of himself that had scared his brother so, but in turn had denied his ghoul side that was very much a part of him. His blackouts were the result of the suppressed ghoul inside of him coming forth, it representing his desire to protect, to  _survive_. It was only violent because Ludger was too powerless to protect the things most precious to him, because Ludger had forced himself to live a lie.  

But then again it was his own fault for dividing himself into ‘ghoul’ and ‘human’. Despite having his brother, Ludger was well aware that he was alone. Half ghouls were rare to nonexistent, and he had been desperate to fit in  _somewhere_. But the fact of the matter was that he belonged in both world, that he was neither ghoul nor human, but both.

Ludger regrets that he comes to these conclusions too late.

The first time he heard about the raid, he was washing the dishes while his brother flipped through the television, and as soon as he heard the words ‘cafe’ and ‘ghoul’, his head snapped up. There on the screen was the cafe he worked at surrounded by multiple CCG members, the headline reading ‘ _local cafe harboring ghouls, CCG takes drastic measures_ ’. The plate he held slipped from his fingers, and he barely registered that it had shattered as his eyes widened.

Before he could even take two steps towards the front door, Julius roughly grabbed his arm, telling him flat out that he wouldn’t be going anywhere. Ludger knew he’d be running into a death trap, that there would be little chance of him actually making out alive...but those were his  _friends_. He had to do something, even if it meant him dying. He begged his brother, told him that he couldn’t just sit around and do nothing.

In his hysterics he told Julius that he wanted to do something with his life than be a mindless killer, and even though he could’ve stopped the slap across his cheek, he didn’t. It stung, but hearing the words ‘ _don’t say that...don’t you dare say that_ ’ hurt a lot more. Sometimes he hated that Julius always saw him as his little brother, and despite the moments of fear he saw in his older brother's eyes, it was always quickly replaced with a desire to understand and help him.

It’s why he both regretted and loved having Julius in his life.

After a bit of negotiating, his brother accompanied him to the cafe, the both of the donning their masks in order to keep their identities hidden. By the time they reached their destination, there were already bodied littering the ground, both ghoul and human. Ludger faltered a bit, but quickly regained himself, because he had decided to be there. He wouldn’t run away because his friends needed him. 

They managed to save Alvin and Jude from being attacked, but in the process, Julius was injured. Things began to slow after that; the rain, his brother screaming, it was all too familiar to him. Because he hadn’t understood himself at the time, he could feel himself slipping, and before he knew it, the world around him went black. He could still feel the rage, the deep desire to rip, dismember, but above all else,  _protect_. All he could think about was what would happen to Julius if he stopped, that if he didn’t mow down everything in his path, Julius would be killed.

 And it was, of course, Julius who brought him out of his rampage. Ludger came to his senses upon hearing his brother call for him, and upon coming to, he sees just how much damage he’d done. There were bodies everywhere, and he couldn’t distinguish if they were ghoul or humans, but the taste of his mouth told him that it was most likely both. The two of them were on their knees, his brother embracing him tightly while saying that it was all right for him to stop. 

Upon looking down, his eyes widened at the sight of his kagune impaling his brother’s stomach, and before he knew it, tears were rolling down his cheeks. What was the point of it all if he was just going to hurt the person he was trying to protect? He was truly unable to control himself, and end the end, that made him just another mindless monster. As he opened his mouth to apologize, to tell his brother that he didn’t have a place in the world, Julius stopped him.

 _‘You’re not a monster, Ludger, you’re my precious little brother’_  Julius had said while holding him tightly ‘ _and no matter what you say, that will ever change. You are_ you’. He look a moment to let those words sink in, and it was then that he began to really understand just who he was and  _what_  he was. But more than anything, his brother had accepted each and every part of him, even when Ludger was unsure of himself. 

Reaching up, he wraps his arms around Julius, his hold tight enough to rival his. He knew this isn’t the time or place for this kind of thing, but Ludger could care less, because for the longest time he had been lost. Right then, in that moment, he finally understood himself.

He is...

**\- Root A -**

Ludger Will Kresnik, younger brother to Julius, and a half-ghoul. He wanted nothing more than to live in peace with his brother, peace that he now thinks is actually obtainable. Slowly, he retracts his kagune from Julius’ stomach, and despite his best attempt to not harm his brother in the process, Julius still hisses in pain. Before he can even apologize, his brother stops him, says that it’s all right as he gives him a lopsided smile. 

“I want...to save and protect as many as I can...” Ludger says, “But more than anything, I want to protect you.”

“I know, Ludger, I know.”

Even if his brother came voluntarily, he shouldn’t have brought Julius along. If he truly wanted to protect his brother, Ludger needed to get him out of there. He helps Julius to his feet, though before they can go anywhere, they’re confronted by a Dove, and without any hesitation, Ludger attacks. This time he’s in control, because he knows who he is, knows what’s important to him.

This time, he’ll truly protect Julius.

**\---**

**_Two years later_ **

**_\---_ **

Today is one of those days where Ludger wished he could stay home, but the he endured the verbal lashing from his boss for being late so he can go grocery shopping tomorrow. 

Work had been slow, but then again, he and Julius had moved out there simply because everything was slow. He had gone through at least three Doves, but he had managed to get Julius back to their apartment without being noticed. They left as soon as Julius was done healing, and only took what was necessary. It was the same thing they had done years ago when the Doves had found them out, though the only difference was that Ludger had people he’d miss. 

His friends were precious to him, but it wasn’t safe in the city anymore for any of them. After the raid, there would obviously be an increase in Doves around the area, and the crackdown wouldn’t stop with just the cafe. So they were left with only one choice: leave or be hunted down like animal. They caught a train out of town, not really having any destination in mind, but in the end, they ended up in the countryside quite a ways away from the city. So really, it was the perfect place for them.

It had taken the towns people some time to warm up to them, which was understandable since they didn’t share much of their background with them. It also helped that Ludger would bring their neighbors ‘leftovers’, his excuse being that he had the bad habit of cooking way too much. There was a limit on just what foods he could consume without gagging, and those he could tolerate tasted dull. The only exceptions to this were tomatoes and apples, so he usually ended up making some kind of pasta dish or apple pie.

Everyone seemed to like his cooking, and it gave his brother something to boast about whenever someone brought it up.

Ludger had taken a job as a kitchen helper at one of the local restaurants, while his brother got a job as a general contractor as one of the few companies in town. It was hard work, but it served as a good distraction from the things they heard on the news, about the Doves killing more and more ghouls as if they were nothing but cattle. It left a terrible taste in his mouth, but he choose to focus on the life he and his brother had been building.

After the verbal lashing from his boss, Ludger began his duties; he collected the dirty dishes the customers left behind, and washed them vigorously to make sure they could clean. The staff sometimes struck up a conversation with him, usually bringing up that their grandparents always gushed about the food he brought them. Some even commented that he should probably think about becoming a chef at the restaurant, though Ludger always bashfully told them that his skill were limited to his own kitchen.

He always worked a good hour or two after closing time, and after changing back into his street cloths, he set out on his bike while making a mental checklist of all the things he needed to pick up at the store tomorrow. In order to keep up appearances, Ludger knew he and his brother needed a to procure a decent amount of human food in order to avoid suspicion from any of the townsfolk, and since he had a vague idea of what things tasted like, he was always the one to go shopping. When it came to _actually_ eating, they scavenged for dead bodies, and if their stocks were extremely low, they took a two-hour drive to the nearest city in order to hunt.

It wasn’t ideal, but they needed to eat.

On the way back home, he’s stopped by a few of the townsfolk to talk, and, like usual, presented him with freshly grown vegetables from their gardens. He always promised to bring them his cooking as a thank you, though he did feel terrible that he was solely using it as an excuse to get rid of them instead of immediately throwing half away. After placing the vegetables in his bike basket, he bid the people farewell before making his way back home.

The sight of the small house he and Julius owned always made him smile, and after securing his bike in the backyard, he fiddles with his keys in order to get inside. The first thing he does is check the contents of the refrigerator, just to see what human food he needed to pick up the next day. He also check to see if any of the flesh that had collected had spoiled, because if they waited too long, it left a horrible smell that was hard to get out unless they used a lot of bleach. Whenever they brought human flesh into the house, he and Julius always made sure to prepare it so it resembled something else, just in case they had nosy visitors.

Once he made sure everything is relatively fresh, Ludger closes the fridge with a light ‘thud’. Making his way into the living room, he sees Julius asleep on the couch with the cat they had found in one of the alleyways curled up on his stomach. Walking over, he gently runs his fingers through his brother’s blond locks, and he has to hold back a snicker once he sees how askew his glasses are. Julius stirs for a moment before opening his eyes, and after he seems to figure out what’s going on, he gives him a small smile.

“Welcome home.” His brother says, and something inside of him swells with happiness.

That’s right...he’s home.

* * *

 

**\- Root B -**

Ludger Will Kresnik, a half-ghoul who finally realizes just how wrong the world is. Gazing around at the Doves mercilessly killing ghoul after ghoul, he finally understood that he isn’t a monster, _they_ are. They were viewed as ‘heroes’ to the humans, but here they were, killing ghouls who were just protecting themselves, and he knew some of them were merely acting on bloodlust rather than the need to ‘protect’. He couldn’t... _can’t_ allow them slaughter anymore ghouls, but in doing so, knew he’d be given the same label as the Doves: a monster.

He would carry the burden, even if the people he cared for turned on him.

Removing his kagune from his brother’s stomach, face twisting a bit at the hiss Julius gives off, he stands, fists clenching at his side. Ludger knows he still has a chance to run, to take his brother and leave everything behind and start anew. However, what would change? Nothing...the people he cared about would still die, the Doves would be seen as in the right, and the cycle would continue. He has enough sense to know that this situation isn’t black and white, but in those shades of gray, _something_ needed to change, or at the very least, someone needed to reveal just who and what the Doves really were.

“L-Ludger...? What are you doing- ?”

“I’ll tell you what you told me all those years ago...,” He mutters, “Run, Julius...”

“What’s gotten into you? There’s no way I’m leaving if you’re not! Come on, we... _we_ need to go...”

Looking down meant Julius breaking his resolve, because he knew the face his brother is giving him would practically ripe his heart out. Ludger is doing this for Julius’ sake as well, which is exactly why he needs his brother to get as far away as possible. His injury made him an easy target, but Ludger knows he’d be a liar if he said that’s the only reason he wants Julius to leave. More than anything, he doesn’t want Julius to watch him fall from grace, to witness the exact moment the little brother he’s cared for become something monstrous. He knew the sight would leave a scar on his brother that would never heal, and as a result, Julius would forever torture himself over what he could’ve done to change things, to ‘save’ him.

If anything, Julius had done a wonderful job of protecting him, and as he told him this, Ludger heard him suck in a sharp breath.

“I’m going to start something here, something that might make you hate, curse, and even want to kill me. I won’t stop until I see things through to the end, someone has to, but please know...that no matter what happens, no matter how vile I seem or what terrible things I do...” Ludger finally glance over his shoulder, the kakugan in his left eye activating as he gives Julius a sad smile.

“I’ll always care about you.”

**_\---_ **

**_Three Years Later_ **

**_\---_ **

It’s a shame really, but even negative results are results. He knows very well that in the past, his would have struggled with something like this, would’ve doubted his methods and be frustrated. But he isn’t that person anymore...

The night of the raid was the first time he had been conscious while his kagune changed, twisting and hardening around his body like a suit of armor made just for him. It was a reminder of his past naivety, because if Ludger hadn’t been so scared of accepting his whole self, he wouldn’t have devoured so many in a unconscious attempt to protect what he cared about. However, he would use that reminder in order to further his future, one Ludger needed to pave with his own hands...even if it meant bloodying them.

He pleaded with his brother one more time, and when Julius still told him that he wouldn’t be leaving without him, he swiftly knocked him out. Before the leaving, Ludger muttered a small ‘I’m sorry’ under his breath. He took on any Dove that crossed his path, mercilessly doing to them what they had done to the many dead ghouls around him. Of course, he fought a few Doves that give him some trouble, but his intent wasn’t to eliminate them all, that would’ve been suicide. His attack was only meant to leave a deep scar on them; to make it known that there was a monster like him ready to pounce.

When it became clear that he had shaken them up, Ludger fled, taking Julius’ unconscious body with him. He didn’t stop until the smell the blood was well behind him, though it was only then that Ludger noticed just how badly he was shaking. Just because he had the resolve, didn’t mean he was free from feeling absolutely terrified with his actions. It had taken him a moment to calm down, and by time he managed to get himself under control, Julius had come to. His brother had gently taken him by the shoulder before asking if he was all right, and those words had unintentionally torn a small chuckle from him.

Julius had always been that way, had always cared more about Ludger’s well being than his own. It made Ludger smile, but he bit back the words ‘please never change’ in favor of giving his brother two options: he could go home and not get involved or follow him down the path of ruin. He half-expected Julius to answer right away, and when he didn’t, a tense silence fell over them. When asked, he told his brother just what he had realized, and just what he had planned to do about it even as Julius called him delusional.

Even though he was clearly against such ideas, Julius agreed to follow him, and some part of Ludger felt disgusted with himself...while another knew he’d probably crash and burn without Julius.

Ludger knew that in order to accomplish his goal, he needed resources and assistance, because the task he had in mind was far too grand for just Julius and him to tackle by themselves.  Luckily, he had an idea about whom they could turn to. It had taken several months, but once they found Dr. Mathis, he hadn’t expect to find him in the company of ghouls he knew would get in the way of his plans. In the past, he had only questioned Julius about their father once, and from the way his brother spoke of the man, he had concluded that his father was the kind of person no one needed in their life.

Because of that, Ludger didn’t see the man as his father, and upon meeting him for the first time, had felt absolutely nothing for the man. In their first encounter, Bisley had referred to him as his ‘greatest creation’, and Ludger could only think about how many nights he had heard his mother weeping because of what he had put her though. He incapacitated the man two days after meeting him, and had done the same to the ghoul named Gilland. If the doctor needed ghouls for his operations, why not use those two?

Julius had been greatly put off by his actions, and had even questioned how he had come to be so cruel. Cruel...yes, Ludger did think himself as cruel, but his cruelty served a purpose. In time, ghouls began to follow him, both awed and terrified of the power he possessed, and even if some of them didn’t even care about what he was doing, a pawn was a pawn. They carried out whatever he told them, from attacking Doves when they were commencing a raid, to proving Dr. Mathis with human bodies for experimentation.

The procedure had only produced two artificial half-ghouls in the three years of knowing the doctor.

“Another failure.”

He doesn’t bother look back at the man that has just entered the room, and he had long since stopped reacting to his provocations.

“It happens, you know that.” He says, and he only acknowledges the other man with a small glace over his shoulder.

“Of course, my apologies, _Ludger_.”

It only takes a few seconds to bring his kagune out, and one of the tentacles extends just enough to stop mere inches away from the man’s face, the end sharpened.

“I wonder how long it’d take you to grow both of your eyes back...I mean we have Dr. Mathis, one doctor down wouldn’t impact too much. What do you think, Rideaux?” He makes sure his words are practically oozing with venom, lest he come across as deeply annoyed in front of this irritation.

“Right, right, I forget that you’re dear older brother can only call you that, Victor.” Rideaux puts both his hands up in mock defeat, and Victor takes a moment before retracting his kagune.

The only reason he hasn’t killed Rideaux already is because the man is on par with Dr. Mathis when it came to medical knowledge, though he possessed a talent for getting under people’s skin. It takes a second or two for him to reel in his emotions, which usually happened whenever someone mentioned his former life. He runs his fingers through his dark locks as a means to distract himself from desire to mane and kill bubbling up inside of him, because he isn’t like that anymore, he isn’t impulsive. Turning, he begins to make his way out of the room, but not before stopping to tell Rideaux that if he pulled something like that again, he’d pluck out more than just his eyes.

Making his way down the long, slightly worn hallway, Victor wonders what his brother will think of him today. Julius had always been very vocal about the displeasure he felt towards how he did things, and Victor has long since stopped trying to convince him that the ends justified the means. He’d just have to show his brother the fruits of his labor. He doesn’t even bother knocking once he reaches the right door, because he knows that Julius will be there. Despite the fact that his brother detests what he’s become, he’d never leave, because Victor knew the instinct to protect him is embedded so deeply into his being that Julius would never abandon him.

It’s an endearing quality, and it makes him happy that Julius hasn’t changed much.

“You’ll be happy to know that another experiment failed.” He says while closing the door behind him, and he doesn’t miss the disgruntled face Julius makes.

“Why would that make me happy? It just means someone died and you’ll just go out and find a replacement.” Julius says, and after a moment of silence, Victor makes his way over to him.

“You haven’t shaved in a few days.” Victor says as he gently grabs his brother’s chin, the stubble rough against his fingers.

“I’m not going anywhere important, so-”

“You are tomorrow.”

Julius gives him a confused look as he seats him next to him, and the old bed frame squeaks from the extra weight. Victor explains that on his last outing he had seen a nice café the two of them visit, adding that it’s his way of apologizing for being so busy as of late. Julius goes silent once more, and Victor is sure he’s contemplating if such an outing is worth it. Despite that fact that Julius still saw him as his little brother, a small rift had formed between them, and he felt the need to make sure it didn’t widen, lest he lose the sole person that kept him grounded...but above all, he didn’t want to lose the older brother that still saw him as ‘Ludger’.

With a sigh, he agrees to visit the café with him, and before Victor can say anything, his brother reached out, fingers running through his hair.

“When are you going to stop dyeing it...?”

He just gives Julius a sympathetic smile, because he knows seeing him like this causes him great pain. He had dyed his hair black to hide his innocence, because a monster had no need for such things. Despite the fact that he knows he’s still Ludger, Victor is the person he needed to become, the cruel half-ghoul that the Doves feared crossing paths with. Removing his brother’s hand from his hair, he threads his finger together before giving them a light squeeze. It’s the first sign of affection he’s shown Julius all week, and he reminds himself that if he didn’t want to strain their relationship, he _needs_ to do better.

“When this is all over, I promise. I won’t need to be ‘Victor’ anymore, and I’ll go back to being the little brother you once knew.”


End file.
